Posts tagged babies
1. Hairline. Newborns look just like Jason Statham or Stannis Baratheon or some other dude that’s totally hot but you’re embarassed to say it because he’s like totally old like 40 or 70 or whatever.
2. They smell bad. Like, not all old men, but you know, there’s always that creepy older dude in the family that has the impossibly bad breath? It’s like he needs to go to the dentist, but he doesn’t even have teeth, so what’s rotting in there? Don’t you clean your dentures? Yeah, your breath smells like a baby’s diapers.
3. No bladder control. Aww, this one just made me sad. We’re all gonna be wearing Depends some day, but you know, just rest assured that it won’t be the first time you pee on yourself by a long shot. At least when you’re geezin’ you won’t accidentally pee in your own face while you’re getting your diaper changed. Right? You know what, don’t answer that.
4. They snore. This baby’s not overweight, but he’s sawing logs like 50-year-old in a recliner. Likewise, a baby will wake up just long enough to fart and then go back to sleep. Remind you of anyone?
5. Only eat mush/liquids. Geez! This is supposed to be a comedy article. Why does it have to be so damned depressing? I mean, I was on a liquid diet for like a month, and I had to teach myself how to play the blues just to cope with it. No wonder newborns are grumpy all the time.
6. Inappropriate behavior. I’m just saying. We let babies and senior citizens get away with a lot. “He doesn’t know any better.” “That’s just how they used to talk in the 1940s.” Yeah, right. I guess if Buzz Aldrin grabbed your boobs, you’d just be all “Aww, he’s so cute!”
7. Don’t have to work. Babies just sit on ass all day and get fed. I wish I could just sit on ass. Maybe some day…
Traditionally, babies in the U.S. are expected to start saying their first words within the first year of life. Most American one-year-olds are capable of saying basic words like “mama”, “dada”, and “uh-oh”, according to the Mayo Clinic. However, language development experts are raising alarms that we must do more to teach our children to speak, as we are already falling behind the rest of the world.
In China, most infants are able to say their first word within a few hours of being born. Typically, a Chinese baby’s first word is “饿”. Pronounced “uhh” in Mandarin, 饿 means “hungry”. Since newborns need to eat every two hours, it makes sense that they would have evolved the ability to express such an important need at an early age. Shockingly, this word is spoken in Mandarin even in parts of China where that’s not the dominant dialect. This is truly a testament to the Chinese government’s approach to standardized language education.
Chinese linguists aren’t surprised about by their children’s precociousness. Dr. Mingxin Wang of Beijing University’s Linguistics Department credits his society’s high standards. “Chinese children must learn quickly how to express their needs for them to be successful in their lives. American children, spoiled by Western decadence, can simply cry. Even when they do start to speak, all they can do is ask their parents for help.”
China isn’t the only country where children are outpacing Americans in language development. In Italy, children are able to say “e” — which means “and” — within the first few days of life. This is the equivalent of saying “more”, helping them get more food when they want it.
Perhaps most surprisingly, even our neighbors to the north in Canada are leaving us behind. As everyone knows, newborns are confused by all of the new experiences they are encountering. They don’t understand what is happening or why they are feeling the way they do. Canadian babies express this existential crisis within hours of being born, simply by saying “eh?”.