- Legless Lizard
- Moray Eel
- Electric Eel
Call me old fashioned, but I will only buy toys for my child that are appropriate to their gender, and that gender is David Bowie. It doesn’t matter if they play with cars or dolls, as long as they are Bowie cars and Bowie dolls.
I mean, how will little Ziggy grow up to be a true Space Oddity without appropriate role models?
Sorry, Target. It’s great that you got rid of those antiquated signs for “Boys” and “Girls”, but I’m not stepping foot inside your store until you have a clearly labeled aisle for Bowie children.
It’s my right as a parent to decide how and where my baby poops.
Most sheeple out there just go along with what Big Diaper is telling them about poop. But these ignorant people need to educate themselves about healthy, natural alternatives to defecation.
You see, they don’t want you to know this, but disposable diapers are made of chemicals. One of the scariest types of chemicals in diapers are dioxins. One kind of dioxin is the active ingredient in Agent Orange. Sure, it’s not the same dioxin that’s found in diapers. And yes, you get more dioxins from your food than you would ever get from a diaper. But why take the risk?
And cloth diapers aren’t much better. Sure, a nice natural organic cotton diaper won’t have all those artificial toxins. But cloth diapers don’t magically clean themselves. And you know what they use to clean cloth diapers? Yep, you guessed it. Chemicals.
And did you know that nearly 100% of children who’ve gotten diabetes had worn a diaper at some point in their childhood? I’m not saying there’s a causal link, but clearly diapers give children diabetes. Sure, some doctors will say that’s not how statistics works, but that’s just like, their opinion, man. And even if there’s no way that a single diaper could give a child diabetes, just keep in mind just how many diapers a child gets during their infancy. Do you even know exactly how many diapers a child gets? Because if you don’t know, then clearly you’re an uninformed sheeple. So yeah, clearly even if a parent chooses to use diapers, they should be allowed to space them out to say, one diaper a month. That’s just common sense.
Why doesn’t the media or government tell you any of this? Well, Kimberly-Clark, the parent company of Huggies made over $21 billion last year. That’s more than enough money to keep politicians and media companies firmly in the pocket of Big Diaper.
So what are we informed, non-sheeple parents supposed to do to keep our kids safe? This is why my family practices what we call Paleo Pooping. We don’t use diapers or pants of any kind, and just let our son poop wherever he wants, even in public. It’s a nice, natural alternative to dangerous diapers. In the millions of years that man existed before diapers were invented, this is what everyone did, and obviously everyone was happier and healthier back then. Do you think that humanity has devolved to such an extent that we need plastic pouches just to contain our poop? What’s next, having to mill out chunks of glass to strap to our face, just to be able to see?
Poop is good. Poop is natural. Pooping on the ground helps make flowers, and what is better than flowers? Sure, it may be inconvenient for others, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to risk the health of my little one for something as trivial as public health.
And because of our healthy diet, of course my child’s poop doesn’t stink. Okay, it does stink, but in like, a good way. After all, what could smell better than a natural healthy lifestyle?
1. Hairline. Newborns look just like Jason Statham or Stannis Baratheon or some other dude that’s totally hot but you’re embarassed to say it because he’s like totally old like 40 or 70 or whatever.
2. They smell bad. Like, not all old men, but you know, there’s always that creepy older dude in the family that has the impossibly bad breath? It’s like he needs to go to the dentist, but he doesn’t even have teeth, so what’s rotting in there? Don’t you clean your dentures? Yeah, your breath smells like a baby’s diapers.
3. No bladder control. Aww, this one just made me sad. We’re all gonna be wearing Depends some day, but you know, just rest assured that it won’t be the first time you pee on yourself by a long shot. At least when you’re geezin’ you won’t accidentally pee in your own face while you’re getting your diaper changed. Right? You know what, don’t answer that.
4. They snore. This baby’s not overweight, but he’s sawing logs like 50-year-old in a recliner. Likewise, a baby will wake up just long enough to fart and then go back to sleep. Remind you of anyone?
5. Only eat mush/liquids. Geez! This is supposed to be a comedy article. Why does it have to be so damned depressing? I mean, I was on a liquid diet for like a month, and I had to teach myself how to play the blues just to cope with it. No wonder newborns are grumpy all the time.
6. Inappropriate behavior. I’m just saying. We let babies and senior citizens get away with a lot. “He doesn’t know any better.” “That’s just how they used to talk in the 1940s.” Yeah, right. I guess if Buzz Aldrin grabbed your boobs, you’d just be all “Aww, he’s so cute!”
7. Don’t have to work. Babies just sit on ass all day and get fed. I wish I could just sit on ass. Maybe some day…
It can be difficult dealing with an infant who cries all the time. But there are lots of reasons why your little one might be fussy. Here’s a checklist of the most common causes of hysterical screaming.
It’s probably gas. That’s the most common problem. Maybe you just need to burp him or “bicycle” his legs to help him pass gas. Poor little guy. No wonder he’s upset.
It’s probably not gas. It’s almost never gas. Why does everyone assume that? Just because you can’t see what’s happening doesn’t mean it’s gas. What are you doing slapping him on the back and manhandling his legs over and over? Poor little guy. No wonder he’s upset.
Existential crisis. Your little dude just found out he exists. He has no frame of reference for the meaninglessness of his existence. He was tossed into the worldly plane like a bag of semi-sentient meat. Try reading him Camus’s The Stranger. It will help him realize he must give birth to his own meaning of life.
Firefly was cancelled. Look, we’re all upset there won’t be anymore episodes of this groundbreaking space western. Make sure he’s seen Serenity. It’s on Netflix. Also, teach him about “jumping the shark” and how it’s better this way than to become another zombie series like the X-Files or the Simpsons.
The vacant stares of his “toys”. Stuffed animals are basically a cheap imitation of taxidermy. Your child is looking for warmth and connection with others. Instead, you’ve surrounded him with these lifeless husks, deranged interpretations from someone who’s probably never even seen a rabbit or tiger. They’re not supposed to look like that. He stares into their eyes looking for a soul, and all he sees is the abyss.
Racist? The way your little one’s been giving the side eye to Obama on TV. Sure, maybe he disagrees with Obama’s foreign policy, but he’s just a little baby. How could even know about that stuff? More likely, he’s just a tiny racist. I guess we’re not born colorblind after all.
The way mommy takes the last towel out of the bathroom. I mean, I’m just assuming it bothers him as much as it bothers daddy when daddy finishes taking a shower and there’s no towels left because mommy took the last one out and didn’t put another clean one in there.
He’s over-tired. Paradoxically, babies can get so exhausted from lack of sleep that they have trouble going to sleep. If your baby was up all night crushing code for his tech startup, remind him that he still has a good 14 or 15 years to get a top app in the App Store before he’s too old and decrepit to get a job at Facebook or Google.
You’re a terrible parent. Have you considered that maybe your little one is just upset because his parents are so terrible? Try being less shitty, as a parent and also as a human being.
Planning a birthday party for your child can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. Sure, there’s always a bevy of pizza-shilling animatronic nightmares ready to take your hard-earned cash. But with these do-it-yourself party games, your child’s next birthday can be cheap and easy.
1. Judge the Clown
Does anyone actually like clowns? What kind of person would become a clown? It’s time to find out. Even the most acrimonious mothers can come together to try to figure out what’s up with this person. Will you get a young girl who likes children but is just a little too eager? Or will you get an overweight 50-year-old man who keeps paintings of John Wayne Gacy in his parents’ basement? I mean, I’m guessing the latter, but I’ve never seen a clown in real life, so who knows?
2. Half-assed Balloon Animals
Balloon animals are pretty awesome, but doing them well requires a lot of practice. Sure, you could hire a professional to do it, but you don’t have to. Here’s a list of balloon animals even the least artistic parent could pull off themselves with minimal effort:
Is Ebola shaped like that? I don’t know. AND NEITHER DOES YOUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD.
3. Solid “Piñata”
Piñatas are a great outlet for your child’s boundless energy and insatiable thirst for violence. Plus, torturing animals is great training for a future job at Sea World. But piñatas aren’t without their downsides. Often, the piñata breaks before your child’s energy runs out. And then the giant piles of candy just make them even more rambunctious. So next time, don’t use a hollow piñata. Use one that’s completely solid. Just let the kids wail on it until they fall asleep. Mischief managed.
4. Pin the Tail on the Dumb Kid
Why bother drawing a donkey when there’s surely already a kid at the party who’s a total ass. He deserves a pin in his rump if you ask me. If you don’t know which kid is the dumb kid, well, then it’s probably your own. :-(
5. Slip'N Slide™
Do they still make these? I remember they were a lot of fun when I was a kid. But looking at it now, if I jumped onto the ground like that, I’d surely break a few ribs. Is the fact that the ground is wet really supposed to change anything? What, are kids just indestructible or what? Or is it just because they don’t weigh very much.
It seems like a summer-only activity, but if your child’s birthday is in the winter and you live in a cold climate, you can still play this game. Just replace the Slip’N Slide with an icy sidewalk. Wheeeeee!
If you do choose to get a Slip’N Slide, be sure to hire a lifeguard to keep an eye out for Ghost Sharks.
6. Kitty's “Sandbox”
I know what you’re thinking. The child will end up playing in cat poop. Really? You’re concerned about that, Mr. Takes-His-Diaper-Baby-Swimming? A public pool is a giant collection of other people’s kids peeing and pooping in a tub of water which you then spray up your nose. And you’re worried about a litter box? Get some perspective. At least the cat litter will clump around your child and lock them in place once they start peeing in it themselves.
7. Seven Minutes in Heaven
A staple of middle school make-out parties, this game can be adapted for children’s parties. No, I’m not suggesting having toddlers making out. Instead, put your screaming child in the closet by themselves. Then, just relax and enjoy the nicest seven minutes of your day. The more soundproof the closet is, the better. Just make sure there’s no drain cleaner or anything in there.
Hmm, I count seven loads of laundry that need doing and seven children with nothing to do. Seems like a perfect match. They can all do their loads at the same time at the local laundromat. It’s the perfect environment for a bunch of children running around. You won’t even be able to hear their screaming over the din of all the washers and dryers churning. The Laundromat People seem like the kind of folks who would be unfazed by children flailing about all around them. Sure, the 50-year-old Vietnamese woman will yell at you. But let’s be honest, she was gonna yell at you anyway. She always yells at you. Who knows why? You probably set down your basket on “her” table or something. Don’t worry about it.
Every parent knows raising a boy is a completely different experience from raising a girl. They have different interests, different fashions, and they just plain behave differently.
To give you an example, girls prefer the thermostat to be 76 degrees, while boys prefer a more comfortable 74. A boy would rather be watching the Daily Show right now, while a girl would be 20 minutes into this documentary about ramen noodles narrated by Anthony Bourdain. And while a boy would like to have tacos for dinner, a girl already bought the stuff to make meatloaf tonight, and it’s going to go bad if we don’t use it.
You shouldn’t expect your sons and daughters to have the same careers when they grow up, either. The two genders have different aptitudes for science. For example, boys like developing the Theory of Relativity. Girls, on the other hand, would rather spend their time developing the Theory of Radioactivity. A boy would love to be the first person on the moon. A girl would rather lead the French to victory in the battle of Orleans in 1429. Even politically, boys and girls couldn’t be more different. Girls like to be Speaker of the House in the 110th Congress, while boys prefer to be Speaker of the House in the 112th Congress.
And then finally, as the one changing the diaper, you’re going to have to deal with boys and girls having different anatomy. If you are the mother of a boy, it’s important to never, ever ask a man for advice about male anatomy, since there’s no way they could ever provide useful advice, such as which way to point the thing so it’s not horribly uncomfortable. If you have a girl, on the other hand, make sure that her privates remain a mystery — even to herself. It’s important that women don’t understand or feel comfortable with their own anatomy. Otherwise, it will be more difficult for male doctors to tell them everything is wrong with it when they get older.
Once you accept these basic differences between boys and girls, you can realize that raising either one can be a fun and rewarding experience.