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    Area Infant Blissfully Unaware of Entirety of 2016

    Local infant Carina Bear is incredibly fortunate. She has no idea what’s going on with politics, or society in general. She has no concept of increasing polarization in her country’s political discourse. She had no mental picture of the country to shatter in the first place. She’s only barely come to understand object permanence. She’s never read any fake news. She’s still trying to learn the alphabet song.

    She has never voted. She’s never deleted an email. She doesn’t even know what that means. She doesn’t even care. She doesn’t know what Russia is. Or China. She has no idea what it was like to live through the Cold War. She likes to watch Elmo. She didn’t notice when Gwen Ifill stopped anchoring daddy’s boring news show that comes on before Daniel Tiger.

    She doesn’t know which bathroom other people think she’s supposed to use. She doesn’t care. Her parents will be thrilled the day she manages to use any bathroom at all.

    sleeping babyThis poor child has no clue.

    Carina never lived in a world where David Bowie was alive. She doesn’t know the difference. She has no idea how big an influence Bowie was on the guy who sings her favorite animal songs on YouTube. She isn’t aware who Alan Rickman was either. She’ll find out when her parents make her watch the Harry Potter series in a few years. Gene Wilder may as well be Groucho Marx as far as she’s concerned. She can tell that mommy gets a little sad when Princess Leia comes on the screen these days, but she doesn’t know why. She likes Chewbacca.

    Carina is going to have a good 2017. She’s going to learn a lot of new words. She’ll hear all kinds of songs she’s never heard before. She’ll go places she’s never been and do all kinds of things she’s never done. Years from now, when people say “Wasn’t 2016 awful?”, she’ll shrug and say she honestly doesn’t remember any of it.

    The Looming Crisis of Bathtime

    As many as 2.8 million homes could be underwater by 2035, according to a new study by the American Pediatric Flood Prevention Society. The cause? Toddler baths.

    The areas hardest hit will be the coastline along Florida, Louisiana, California, and your son’s bathroom, the study warned. “We have known for some time that this issue was looming,” says scientist Nikki Reacher, watching over her son Troy, 2, in the bath. “But now we’ve reached the point of no return.”

    Environmental impacts from bathing toddlers are nothing new. In 2008, a group of particularly splashy tots near Flagstaff displaced 2.8 billion gallons of water into a nearby valley, creating what local residents have come to call Lake Tub Tub. The flood submerged 40 homes and 37 Starbucks. The Army Corps of Engineers was called in to assess the situation, but have so far been unable to rectify the situation for fear of the ecological impact.

    bathtime!Splish splash, I was causing widespread devastation.

    “Southwestern diamondback egrets have taken to nesting by Lake Tub Tub,” says Lt. Col. Alfred West. “This is their only stop when migrating from El Paso to Tahoe, so if we remove this source of water, this species of water fowl could become endangered.”

    In spite of increasing occurrences of these toddlergenic inundations, some lawmakers are skeptical. Florida state representative Floyd Barker (R) recently staged a 19-hour filibuster blocking a bill requiring splash guards around bathtubs where toddlers are known to frequent. “I don’t know exactly what this is,” proclaimed Barker, holding up a thick glob of glossy brown gelatin, “but I found it in my son’s hair this morning.” He continued, “This is clear evidence that toddlers aren’t bathing. Toddler bathing is a conspiracy of the radical left.”

    Legislation or no, the APFPS report paints a worrying picture of the near future. Our pristine coastlines may soon be submerged under lagoons filled with bubble bath.

    Finally! GRAMMYs Add Category for Best “Daddy Finger” Video

    In a surprise press release Friday afternoon, the GRAMMYs announced that they are adding a new award to their 2017 lineup: Best Online Daddy Finger Video.

    To qualify, videos must be uploaded to YouTube and feature at least five (5) trademarked characters used without permission of their owners. “Trademark infringement is really a key aesthetic quality of the genre,” says GRAMMYs Second Assistant Executive Director Javier Michael Olivier III. “The other quality we look for is unique pronunciation.” To excel, the lyrics must be pronounced as though the singer has never been exposed to English, but only read about it in a faded newspaper.

    grammyMusic Award by Anniken & Andreas from the Noun Project
    Hand by chris dawson from the Noun Project

    “My art doesn’t need the external validation,” says YouTuber Franklin Turberson, who goes by the handle @l33tFr34k69. “But it’s nice to see the genre getting some recognition from the mainstream.” Turberson produced one of the classics of the genre, “Spider Mann Daddy Finger Lullaby (56min)”.

    Others are less excited about what they see as the “gentrification” of Daddy Finger. “These guys are sellouts, man,” according to an anonymous YouTube commenter with the username @FingerCore. “It used to be about the art. Now they’re just trying to get views!”

    But while there is clearly some controversy, it’s clear that the new Grammy award is bringing some fresh attention to the once obscure style. Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day announced in July he would be producing a Broadway adaptation of the classic “Danny L Tiger Finger Baby Video Song”. It will be opening in the fall of 2017.

    Elon Musk does it again with Tesla Tot

    Fremont, CA - At an invitation-only event on Tuesday near Tesla’s factory, CEO Elon Musk unveiled Tesla’s most ambitious energy product yet - Tesla Tot.

    Tesla Tot is a new battery technology that works by harnessing the energy from small children. “The first version of Tesla Tot captures just enough manic energy to offset charging an electric car,” according to the genius inventor/probable time traveller. “But by 2025, we expect that all of California could be powered by the energy of a single two-year-old who skipped nap time.” The energy output of a human child is roughly 1000 times that of a fully grown hamster.

    However, some are worried that Tesla may be moving too quickly. “Driving with a spare toddler in your car may be too distracting for drivers,” says Sharon Castiglione, president of Parent Against Raising Robot Overlords Today (PARROT), a Tesla watchdog group. Musk dismissed these concerns. “We are telling every Tesla Tot owner it’s their responsibility to keep their eyes on their Tot and be prepared to grab them at all times.”

    tesla totBaby by Hea Poh Lin from the Noun Project
    Medium Battery by ✦ Shmidt Sergey ✦ from the Noun Project

    Investors had a lukewarm reaction to the announcement, with the stock rising only slightly in after-hours trading. Some are expressing concern that bringing thousands of toddlers into Tesla’s new Gigafactory might prove disruptive to the plant’s operations. The factory’s massive robots will need to be retooled not to pinch tiny fingers.

    Others point to Tesla’s history of missing their overly optimistic deadlines. Some worry that by the time Tesla Tot ships, their fleet of two-year-olds could be closer to five. That would mean a significant depletion of chaotic energy, but still might be more than enough for most consumers.

    Tesla Tot is expected to ship in Summer 2017, and will cost approximately $245,340 over the lifetime of the child.

    Paleo Pooping

    It’s my right as a parent to decide how and where my baby poops.

    Most sheeple out there just go along with what Big Diaper is telling them about poop. But these ignorant people need to educate themselves about healthy, natural alternatives to defecation.

    You see, they don’t want you to know this, but disposable diapers are made of chemicals. One of the scariest types of chemicals in diapers are dioxins. One kind of dioxin is the active ingredient in Agent Orange. Sure, it’s not the same dioxin that’s found in diapers. And yes, you get more dioxins from your food than you would ever get from a diaper. But why take the risk?

    And cloth diapers aren’t much better. Sure, a nice natural organic cotton diaper won’t have all those artificial toxins. But cloth diapers don’t magically clean themselves. And you know what they use to clean cloth diapers? Yep, you guessed it. Chemicals.

    And did you know that nearly 100% of children who’ve gotten diabetes had worn a diaper at some point in their childhood? I’m not saying there’s a causal link, but clearly diapers give children diabetes. Sure, some doctors will say that’s not how statistics works, but that’s just like, their opinion, man. And even if there’s no way that a single diaper could give a child diabetes, just keep in mind just how many diapers a child gets during their infancy. Do you even know exactly how many diapers a child gets? Because if you don’t know, then clearly you’re an uninformed sheeple. So yeah, clearly even if a parent chooses to use diapers, they should be allowed to space them out to say, one diaper a month. That’s just common sense.

    Why doesn’t the media or government tell you any of this? Well, Kimberly-Clark, the parent company of Huggies made over $21 billion last year. That’s more than enough money to keep politicians and media companies firmly in the pocket of Big Diaper.


    So what are we informed, non-sheeple parents supposed to do to keep our kids safe? This is why my family practices what we call Paleo Pooping. We don’t use diapers or pants of any kind, and just let our son poop wherever he wants, even in public. It’s a nice, natural alternative to dangerous diapers. In the millions of years that man existed before diapers were invented, this is what everyone did, and obviously everyone was happier and healthier back then. Do you think that humanity has devolved to such an extent that we need plastic pouches just to contain our poop? What’s next, having to mill out chunks of glass to strap to our face, just to be able to see?

    Poop is good. Poop is natural. Pooping on the ground helps make flowers, and what is better than flowers? Sure, it may be inconvenient for others, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to risk the health of my little one for something as trivial as public health.

    And because of our healthy diet, of course my child’s poop doesn’t stink. Okay, it does stink, but in like, a good way. After all, what could smell better than a natural healthy lifestyle?

    7 Ways Babies Are Actually Old Men

     1. Hairline. Newborns look just like Jason Statham or Stannis Baratheon or some other dude that’s totally hot but you’re embarassed to say it because he’s like totally old like 40 or 70 or whatever.

     2. They smell bad. Like, not all old men, but you know, there’s always that creepy older dude in the family that has the impossibly bad breath? It’s like he needs to go to the dentist, but he doesn’t even have teeth, so what’s rotting in there? Don’t you clean your dentures? Yeah, your breath smells like a baby’s diapers.

     3. No bladder control. Aww, this one just made me sad. We’re all gonna be wearing Depends some day, but you know, just rest assured that it won’t be the first time you pee on yourself by a long shot. At least when you’re geezin’ you won’t accidentally pee in your own face while you’re getting your diaper changed. Right? You know what, don’t answer that.

     4. They snore. This baby’s not overweight, but he’s sawing logs like 50-year-old in a recliner. Likewise, a baby will wake up just long enough to fart and then go back to sleep. Remind you of anyone?

    jonathan winters on mork and mindyAnd we're not just talking about that creepy Jonathan Winters character on Mork and Mindy.

     5. Only eat mush/liquids. Geez! This is supposed to be a comedy article. Why does it have to be so damned depressing? I mean, I was on a liquid diet for like a month, and I had to teach myself how to play the blues just to cope with it. No wonder newborns are grumpy all the time.

     6. Inappropriate behavior. I’m just saying. We let babies and senior citizens get away with a lot. “He doesn’t know any better.” “That’s just how they used to talk in the 1940s.” Yeah, right. I guess if Buzz Aldrin grabbed your boobs, you’d just be all “Aww, he’s so cute!”

     7. Don’t have to work. Babies just sit on ass all day and get fed. I wish I could just sit on ass. Maybe some day…

    Why is my baby crying?

    It can be difficult dealing with an infant who cries all the time. But there are lots of reasons why your little one might be fussy. Here’s a checklist of the most common causes of hysterical screaming.

    It’s probably gas. That’s the most common problem. Maybe you just need to burp him or “bicycle” his legs to help him pass gas. Poor little guy. No wonder he’s upset.

    It’s probably not gas. It’s almost never gas. Why does everyone assume that? Just because you can’t see what’s happening doesn’t mean it’s gas. What are you doing slapping him on the back and manhandling his legs over and over? Poor little guy. No wonder he’s upset.

    Existential crisis. Your little dude just found out he exists. He has no frame of reference for the meaninglessness of his existence. He was tossed into the worldly plane like a bag of semi-sentient meat. Try reading him Camus’s The Stranger. It will help him realize he must give birth to his own meaning of life.

    Firefly was cancelled. Look, we’re all upset there won’t be anymore episodes of this groundbreaking space western. Make sure he’s seen Serenity. It’s on Netflix. Also, teach him about “jumping the shark” and how it’s better this way than to become another zombie series like the X-Files or the Simpsons.

    baby cryingSad designed by Tyler Glaude from the Noun Project

    The vacant stares of his “toys”. Stuffed animals are basically a cheap imitation of taxidermy. Your child is looking for warmth and connection with others. Instead, you’ve surrounded him with these lifeless husks, deranged interpretations from someone who’s probably never even seen a rabbit or tiger. They’re not supposed to look like that. He stares into their eyes looking for a soul, and all he sees is the abyss.

    Racist? The way your little one’s been giving the side eye to Obama on TV. Sure, maybe he disagrees with Obama’s foreign policy, but he’s just a little baby. How could even know about that stuff? More likely, he’s just a tiny racist. I guess we’re not born colorblind after all.

    The way mommy takes the last towel out of the bathroom. I mean, I’m just assuming it bothers him as much as it bothers daddy when daddy finishes taking a shower and there’s no towels left because mommy took the last one out and didn’t put another clean one in there.

    He’s over-tired. Paradoxically, babies can get so exhausted from lack of sleep that they have trouble going to sleep. If your baby was up all night crushing code for his tech startup, remind him that he still has a good 14 or 15 years to get a top app in the App Store before he’s too old and decrepit to get a job at Facebook or Google.

    You’re a terrible parent. Have you considered that maybe your little one is just upset because his parents are so terrible? Try being less shitty, as a parent and also as a human being.

    8 Easy Party Games for Your Child's Next Birthday

    Planning a birthday party for your child can be difficult, but it doesn’t have to be. Sure, there’s always a bevy of pizza-shilling animatronic nightmares ready to take your hard-earned cash. But with these do-it-yourself party games, your child’s next birthday can be cheap and easy.

    1. Judge the Clown

    Does anyone actually like clowns? What kind of person would become a clown? It’s time to find out. Even the most acrimonious mothers can come together to try to figure out what’s up with this person. Will you get a young girl who likes children but is just a little too eager? Or will you get an overweight 50-year-old man who keeps paintings of John Wayne Gacy in his parents’ basement? I mean, I’m guessing the latter, but I’ve never seen a clown in real life, so who knows?

    2. Half-assed Balloon Animals

    Balloon animals are pretty awesome, but doing them well requires a lot of practice. Sure, you could hire a professional to do it, but you don’t have to. Here’s a list of balloon animals even the least artistic parent could pull off themselves with minimal effort:

    • Snake
    • Legless Lizard
    • Worm
    • Sandworm
    • Maggot
    • Leech
    • Loach
    • Eel
    • Moray Eel
    • Electric Eel
    • Ebola

    Is Ebola shaped like that? I don’t know. AND NEITHER DOES YOUR FOUR-YEAR-OLD.

    3. Solid “Piñata”

    Piñatas are a great outlet for your child’s boundless energy and insatiable thirst for violence. Plus, torturing animals is great training for a future job at Sea World. But piñatas aren’t without their downsides. Often, the piñata breaks before your child’s energy runs out. And then the giant piles of candy just make them even more rambunctious. So next time, don’t use a hollow piñata. Use one that’s completely solid. Just let the kids wail on it until they fall asleep. Mischief managed.

    4. Pin the Tail on the Dumb Kid

    Why bother drawing a donkey when there’s surely already a kid at the party who’s a total ass. He deserves a pin in his rump if you ask me. If you don’t know which kid is the dumb kid, well, then it’s probably your own. :-(

    birthday cakeCake designed by Marco Galtarossa from the Noun Project

    5. Slip'N Slide™

    Do they still make these? I remember they were a lot of fun when I was a kid. But looking at it now, if I jumped onto the ground like that, I’d surely break a few ribs. Is the fact that the ground is wet really supposed to change anything? What, are kids just indestructible or what? Or is it just because they don’t weigh very much.

    It seems like a summer-only activity, but if your child’s birthday is in the winter and you live in a cold climate, you can still play this game. Just replace the Slip’N Slide with an icy sidewalk. Wheeeeee!

    If you do choose to get a Slip’N Slide, be sure to hire a lifeguard to keep an eye out for Ghost Sharks.

    6. Kitty's “Sandbox”

    I know what you’re thinking. The child will end up playing in cat poop. Really? You’re concerned about that, Mr. Takes-His-Diaper-Baby-Swimming? A public pool is a giant collection of other people’s kids peeing and pooping in a tub of water which you then spray up your nose. And you’re worried about a litter box? Get some perspective. At least the cat litter will clump around your child and lock them in place once they start peeing in it themselves.

    7. Seven Minutes in Heaven

    A staple of middle school make-out parties, this game can be adapted for children’s parties. No, I’m not suggesting having toddlers making out. Instead, put your screaming child in the closet by themselves. Then, just relax and enjoy the nicest seven minutes of your day. The more soundproof the closet is, the better. Just make sure there’s no drain cleaner or anything in there.

    8. Laundromat

    Hmm, I count seven loads of laundry that need doing and seven children with nothing to do. Seems like a perfect match. They can all do their loads at the same time at the local laundromat. It’s the perfect environment for a bunch of children running around. You won’t even be able to hear their screaming over the din of all the washers and dryers churning. The Laundromat People seem like the kind of folks who would be unfazed by children flailing about all around them. Sure, the 50-year-old Vietnamese woman will yell at you. But let’s be honest, she was gonna yell at you anyway. She always yells at you. Who knows why? You probably set down your basket on “her” table or something. Don’t worry about it.

    The Differences Between Boys and Girls

    Every parent knows raising a boy is a completely different experience from raising a girl. They have different interests, different fashions, and they just plain behave differently.

    To give you an example, girls prefer the thermostat to be 76 degrees, while boys prefer a more comfortable 74. A boy would rather be watching the Daily Show right now, while a girl would be 20 minutes into this documentary about ramen noodles narrated by Anthony Bourdain. And while a boy would like to have tacos for dinner, a girl already bought the stuff to make meatloaf tonight, and it’s going to go bad if we don’t use it.

    Arya Stark and Jaqen H'gharA girl gives a man his own name.

    You shouldn’t expect your sons and daughters to have the same careers when they grow up, either. The two genders have different aptitudes for science. For example, boys like developing the Theory of Relativity. Girls, on the other hand, would rather spend their time developing the Theory of Radioactivity. A boy would love to be the first person on the moon. A girl would rather lead the French to victory in the battle of Orleans in 1429. Even politically, boys and girls couldn’t be more different. Girls like to be Speaker of the House in the 110th Congress, while boys prefer to be Speaker of the House in the 112th Congress.

    And then finally, as the one changing the diaper, you’re going to have to deal with boys and girls having different anatomy. If you are the mother of a boy, it’s important to never, ever ask a man for advice about male anatomy, since there’s no way they could ever provide useful advice, such as which way to point the thing so it’s not horribly uncomfortable. If you have a girl, on the other hand, make sure that her privates remain a mystery — even to herself. It’s important that women don’t understand or feel comfortable with their own anatomy. Otherwise, it will be more difficult for male doctors to tell them everything is wrong with it when they get older.

    Once you accept these basic differences between boys and girls, you can realize that raising either one can be a fun and rewarding experience.

    Tarantino Films: Not as Good for Children as You'd Think?

    Movies can be great for stimulating a child’s imagination. They let children experience worlds and events that they wouldn’t be able to visit on their own. The films of Quentin Tarantino, with their vivid imagery and captivating dialogue may seem like the perfect way to expand your tot’s mind. But some of the subject matter in Tarantino’s films may be confusing to small children. Here’s a few things to watch out for.

    Reservoir Dogs

    The story of a gang of strangers and a diamond heist gone wrong, Reservior Dogs will open your child to all sorts of new ideas the next time they play cops and robbers. As a bonus, they’ll get exposure to all sorts of classic music through Steven Wright’s “Sounds of the Seventies”.

    However, if you were hoping to use this film to teach your child the names of the colors, this film may prove too confusing for your toddler. Simply put, the character’s names are misleading. Mr. Blonde isn’t blonde. Mr. Brown is causasian. Mr. Blue is maybe blue in the metaphorical sense, but even then, he’s only a little bit sad. Mr. White is white in the racial sense, but he does have a good skin tone. The only characters whose names are really accurate are Mr. Pink and Mr. Orange. Now that I think about it, maybe I need to adjust the color on my television.

    the ear scene“Boop! I've got your nose ear!”

    Kill Bill

    The story of a pretty mommy out to hurt some very bad people, Kill Bill is full of beautiful choreography, diverse world culture, and a nice overview of some types of poisonous snakes. It’s a perfect film for the little Kiddo who loves to play with swords. For a special treat, make sure your child doesn’t miss the cameo by Charlie Brown in O-Ren Ishii’s club.

    But, if your child is still learning to count, it might be best to skip the scene where The Bride slaughters the members of the Crazy 88 gang. The problem is that there aren’t actually 88 of them. If your child tries to count them, they’ll get pretty confused. The confusion is compounded when trying to account for all of the severed limbs. This scene is definitely only for kids old enough to know how to deal with fractions.

    the pussy wagon“Well, son, that van is for taking kitty cats to the pound.”

    Inglourious Basterds

    You can beef up your child’s knowledge of world history with Inglourious Basterds, the tale of a gang of American soldiers who bravely went behind enemy lines to kill Nazis during World War II. This film is especially great for exposing your children to multiple languages while they still have the brain plasticity to learn them. Christoph Waltz gives a remarkable performance with fluent English, German, French, and Italian. With this exposure, your children will be well prepared if they ever find themselves in a fascist dictatorship that has taken over Central Europe.

    However, beware that this film is not completely historically accurate, especially the ending. At the risk of minor spoilers, you might be surprised to learn that Brad Pitt was actually born in 1963, nearly twenty years after the war he supposedly fought in. Not only that, but Brad Pitt isn’t even a soldier. He’s an actor from Hollywood. If your child watches this film and takes it literally, they might be pretty confused about historical events when they study them later in school!

    That's a bingo!“That's a B-I-N-G-O and Aldo was his name-o!”

    Pulp Fiction

    Of all the films on this list, Pulp Fiction is probably the most child friendly. There are so many great lessons to be learned from it, such as:

    • How to order a Quarter a Pounder with Cheese in the Netherlands.
    • What a “gimp” is.
    • The typical cost of a good milkshake.
    • How to treat an overdose when someone snorts heroin.

    In fact, the only scene to watch out for in Pulp Fiction is the infamous scene with Christopher Walken. He tells the story of how Butch’s dad kept an heirloom watch in his rectum for years for his son. The problem is this sets up an unrealistic standard that you’ll then have to live up to as a father. You don’t want your son growing up thinking “I wonder if my father would keep a watch up his butt for me.” And that’s not something you want to do. I’ve been walking around with a “Pebble in my boot” so to speak for a week, and let me tell you, that ain’t easy.

    Raising Free-Range, Organic, Cage-Free Children

    I believe in raising “free-range” kids. It takes a little extra effort, but it’s totally worth it. My kids are free to roam the neighborhood. I even got them passports in case they want to visit other countries. It took some effort to get their visas cleared for entry into disputed parts of Iraq, but now I can rest assured that my children will grow up to be independent, self-confident adults.

    My kids are also cage-free. What exactly constitutes a “cage”? I err on the side of being truly “free range”. I never let the kids in the house, or anything with walls really. They love the yard. Cleanup is a breeze. I just hose them down. And their poop makes great fertilizer. My yard is the envy of all my neighbors.

    I know it’s trendy, but I refuse to use pesticides on my children. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t use Roundup on my kids, because I refused to splice the Roundup Ready genes into their DNA. I’ll be damned if I’m going to assign IP rights to my tots to Monsanto.

    no nothingNot even if the spray bottle is BPA free.

    I never inject my children with bovine growth hormone, or any kind of chemical to increase their milk production. Sure, my kids are mammals, but they’ll make milk when they’re ready. And if my son never decides to produce milk, I for one am okay with that. I’m a progressive parent.

    I don’t add artificial flavors to my babies. I don’t need to. Since they are free-range, organic children, they naturally taste better. You’ve never really tasted a baby until you kiss a baby at a farmer’s market, straight from the farm. There’s a certain level of freshness that just can’t be replaced with chemical preservatives.

    So yeah, my kids are free-range, cage-free, pesticide-free, and all around organic. I’m not saying that makes me a better parent. But not doing what’s obviously best for them would make me a worse parent, wouldn’t it?

    American Babies Falling Behind in Language Development

    Traditionally, babies in the U.S. are expected to start saying their first words within the first year of life. Most American one-year-olds are capable of saying basic words like “mama”, “dada”, and “uh-oh”, according to the Mayo Clinic. However, language development experts are raising alarms that we must do more to teach our children to speak, as we are already falling behind the rest of the world.

    In China, most infants are able to say their first word within a few hours of being born. Typically, a Chinese baby’s first word is “饿”. Pronounced “uhh” in Mandarin, 饿 means “hungry”. Since newborns need to eat every two hours, it makes sense that they would have evolved the ability to express such an important need at an early age. Shockingly, this word is spoken in Mandarin even in parts of China where that’s not the dominant dialect. This is truly a testament to the Chinese government’s approach to standardized language education.

    Chinese linguists aren’t surprised about by their children’s precociousness. Dr. Mingxin Wang of Beijing University’s Linguistics Department credits his society’s high standards. “Chinese children must learn quickly how to express their needs for them to be successful in their lives. American children, spoiled by Western decadence, can simply cry. Even when they do start to speak, all they can do is ask their parents for help.”

    China isn’t the only country where children are outpacing Americans in language development. In Italy, children are able to say “e” — which means “and” — within the first few days of life. This is the equivalent of saying “more”, helping them get more food when they want it.

    Perhaps most surprisingly, even our neighbors to the north in Canada are leaving us behind. As everyone knows, newborns are confused by all of the new experiences they are encountering. They don’t understand what is happening or why they are feeling the way they do. Canadian babies express this existential crisis within hours of being born, simply by saying “eh?”.

    Why We Didn't Vaccinate Our Child

    We’re not ashamed to say that there are many vaccines we haven’t given our child. Here’s why…

    Pertussis, also known as “whooping cough”, is a bacterial disease that can permanently injure or kill a child. Despite the pertussis epidemic currently sweeping California, we didn’t vaccinate our son against pertussis, because he’s only one month old. And you can’t vaccinate a child against pertussis until he is like two months old. Of course we will when he’s old enough. We’re not morons.

    Yellow fever is a viral disease that’s common in Africa and parts of South America. It’s pretty much non-existent in the U.S., so it would be kinda silly to vaccinate our son against it now. No one does that. But if we’re ever going to be visiting those parts of the world, of course we’ll vaccinate him against Yellow fever. We’re not drooling idiots with no regard for the welfare of our child.

    Ebola Zaire has one of the highest mortality rates of any disease people get. There’s currently a flare up of the disease in some parts of Africa. There have been a couple of Americans that have had it, but it’s so difficult for Ebola to be transmitted from person to person that there’s not really much risk of a major outbreak in the U.S.. That said, it’s a scary disease. We haven’t vaccinated our son against Ebola Zaire because a vaccine for it doesn’t exist yet. If the disease became more common where we live and researchers developed a safe and effective vaccine, of course we would give it to our child. We’re not completely braindead troglodytes with no understanding of modern medical safety standards.

    person vomitingEbola is not a fun way to go.

    Ebola Reston is a variant of the Ebola virus that first appeared in the United States, in Virginia. Ebola Reston is just as lethal as Ebola Zaire, but gave Americans a bigger scare when the first outbreak of it appeared so close to our nation’s capital. We’re not vaccinating our son against Ebola Reston because the disease is non-pathogenic to humans. It only affects monkeys, and our son, despite his behavior, is not technically a monkey. If it were hazardous to humans, we would have to be as dumb as monkeys not to consider giving our child every resource available to avoid contracting the disease.

    Andromeda Strain is a crystalline agent that causes instant death from coagulation and deterioration of one’s circulatory system. In its most recently discovered forms, it has been harmless, but it evolves so quickly that it could easily become fatal again. We chose not to vaccinate our son against the Andromeda Strain because it’s a fictional disease, so it’s very unlikely that he would contract it. Even if it were real, his incessant crying would likely raise the level of CO2 in his blood sufficiently to make it inhospitable for the agent to take hold. However, if it were a real pathogen, and it were common in the U.S., and there were a vaccine for it, of course we would vaccinate our child. We’re not monsters.

    Calculus isn’t actually a disease, but many people like to pretend it’s just as unpleasant. We’re not going to vaccinate our son against advanced mathematics, because it’s actually pretty useful. We’d love it if our son learned calculus. But if it were a terrible disease, I guess we’d vaccinate our son against that, too. Only a moron would risk their child contracting a known, debilitating illness against unsubstantiated rumors of statistically insignificant side effects of vaccines that have been given to large populations for many years.

    Breast is Best, Followed by Go-Gurt, Hot Pockets

    Experts agree. It’s best for your child to breastfeed exclusively for the first six months. But what if you can’t breastfeed because of latching problems or lack of supply? And when the six months are up, what are the best “foods” to start your child on? New research is pointing to some surprising answers: Go-Gurt and Hot Pockets.

    “It’s never too early to get your child used to the foods they’ll be subsisting on in their 20s.”, says pediatrician Raleigh Wiles. “Some parents prefer to feed their children real food like fruits and vegetables. But that won’t be adequate to prepare them for the kinds of ‘science foods’ they’ll have to eat when they fail to get a job after college.”

    no strawberriesFruits encourage unrealistic expectations.

    Choosing the right Go-Gurt and Hot Pockets can be tricky. Go-Gurt and its British equivalent, known as “Frubes”, are now made with sugar, rather than the high-fructose corn syrup your growing child needs. So if you can find expired packages from before 2012 on the shelf at BigLots, that would be preferable. Don’t worry about the potential pathogens that may be present in expired foods. By giving your child’s immune system something to do, you’ll be helping them avoid having auto-immune disorders such as food allergies.

    As for Hot Pockets, avoid Lean Pockets and Croissant Pockets. “The taste of Lean Pockets will confuse your child into eating cardboard,” says Dr. Wiles. Croissant Pockets, on the other hand, will give your child unrealistic expectations about their future standard of living.

    Dr. Wiles does caution parents not to burn their child by giving them Hot Pockets that have been microwaved. Rather, it’s best to bring the pocket to room temperature slowly using a sous vide cooking method. Then cut a corner of the pocket and squirt it onto your wrist to verify it is a safe temperature.

    8 Rejected Baby Names

    There’s nothing more satisfying than judging others for what they name their kids. But naming a baby is hard. Just so that you don’t think we chose our baby’s name out of laziness, let me go through some of the runner ups, and tell you about some of the other cromulent options that we didn’t choose. If you yourself are expecting, feel free to use these names for your own children.

    Zardoz - First impressions matter. And what makes a better first impression than 1970s era Sean Connery in a Speedo? And Zardoz isn’t a mouthful like Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez.

    Quesarito - If you want your child to grow up to be a billionaire entrepreneur, why not name them after the pinnacle of 21st century innovation, Taco Bell’s new burrito wrapped in a quesadilla. And it isn’t a mouthful like Doritos Locos Taco, Regular, Nacho.

    IG-88 - Sure, it’s trendy to name kids after your favorite Star Wars character, especially obscure bounty hunters. IG-88 is a great role model: tall, dark, and quiet. IG-88 was in the top running until his controversial tweets about #thinspo.

    Bacon - The philosopher Francis Bacon is credited with inventing empiricism. In fact, the scientific method is also known as “the Baconian Method”. This would be a perfect name is hipsters hadn’t turned their lust for a particularly tasty meat into a trendy fad.

    Francis BaconHe also had impeccable taste in hats.

    Zener Diode - According to Wikipedia, “A Zener diode is a diode which allows current to flow in the forward direction in the same manner as an ideal diode, but also permits it to flow in the reverse direction when the voltage is above a certain value known as the breakdown voltage, “Zener knee voltage”, “Zener voltage”, “avalanche point”, or “peak inverse voltage”.” Just the qualities you want to instill in your child as they grow up. But since our kid is at high risk for becoming an engineer, this would have been too confusing in the lab at work.

    e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338-b480810061b1 - A unique name for your precious snowflake. You know there isn’t going to be another e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338-b480810061b1 in little e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338-b480810061b1’s kindergarten class. If that’s a little long, you can always call him e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338 for short.

    Princess Fluffypetal - I know, it’s a stereotypical masculine name. But Princess Fluffypetal isn’t just a boy’s name. Just because you name your daughter this doesn’t mean she’s going to end up as a butch football player.

    Rover - Let everyone know what a team player your kid is by naming them after man’s best friend. Don’t worry, no one will think your kid is a dog when they hear you yelling at them to sit over and over.