It can be difficult dealing with an infant who cries all the time. But there are lots of reasons why your little one might be fussy. Here’s a checklist of the most common causes of hysterical screaming.

It’s probably gas. That’s the most common problem. Maybe you just need to burp him or “bicycle” his legs to help him pass gas. Poor little guy. No wonder he’s upset.

It’s probably not gas. It’s almost never gas. Why does everyone assume that? Just because you can’t see what’s happening doesn’t mean it’s gas. What are you doing slapping him on the back and manhandling his legs over and over? Poor little guy. No wonder he’s upset.

Existential crisis. Your little dude just found out he exists. He has no frame of reference for the meaninglessness of his existence. He was tossed into the worldly plane like a bag of semi-sentient meat. Try reading him Camus’s The Stranger. It will help him realize he must give birth to his own meaning of life.

Firefly was cancelled. Look, we’re all upset there won’t be anymore episodes of this groundbreaking space western. Make sure he’s seen Serenity. It’s on Netflix. Also, teach him about “jumping the shark” and how it’s better this way than to become another zombie series like the X-Files or the Simpsons.

The vacant stares of his “toys”. Stuffed animals are basically a cheap imitation of taxidermy. Your child is looking for warmth and connection with others. Instead, you’ve surrounded him with these lifeless husks, deranged interpretations from someone who’s probably never even seen a rabbit or tiger. They’re not supposed to look like that. He stares into their eyes looking for a soul, and all he sees is the abyss.

Racist? The way your little one’s been giving the side eye to Obama on TV. Sure, maybe he disagrees with Obama’s foreign policy, but he’s just a little baby. How could even know about that stuff? More likely, he’s just a tiny racist. I guess we’re not born colorblind after all.

The way mommy takes the last towel out of the bathroom. I mean, I’m just assuming it bothers him as much as it bothers daddy when daddy finishes taking a shower and there’s no towels left because mommy took the last one out and didn’t put another clean one in there.

He’s over-tired. Paradoxically, babies can get so exhausted from lack of sleep that they have trouble going to sleep. If your baby was up all night crushing code for his tech startup, remind him that he still has a good 14 or 15 years to get a top app in the App Store before he’s too old and decrepit to get a job at Facebook or Google.

You’re a terrible parent. Have you considered that maybe your little one is just upset because his parents are so terrible? Try being less shitty, as a parent and also as a human being.