I believe in raising “free-range” kids. It takes a little extra effort, but it’s totally worth it. My kids are free to roam the neighborhood. I even got them passports in case they want to visit other countries. It took some effort to get their visas cleared for entry into disputed parts of Iraq, but now I can rest assured that my children will grow up to be independent, self-confident adults.

My kids are also cage-free. What exactly constitutes a “cage”? I err on the side of being truly “free range”. I never let the kids in the house, or anything with walls really. They love the yard. Cleanup is a breeze. I just hose them down. And their poop makes great fertilizer. My yard is the envy of all my neighbors.

I know it’s trendy, but I refuse to use pesticides on my children. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t use Roundup on my kids, because I refused to splice the Roundup Ready genes into their DNA. I’ll be damned if I’m going to assign IP rights to my tots to Monsanto.

I never inject my children with bovine growth hormone, or any kind of chemical to increase their milk production. Sure, my kids are mammals, but they’ll make milk when they’re ready. And if my son never decides to produce milk, I for one am okay with that. I’m a progressive parent.

I don’t add artificial flavors to my babies. I don’t need to. Since they are free-range, organic children, they naturally taste better. You’ve never really tasted a baby until you kiss a baby at a farmer’s market, straight from the farm. There’s a certain level of freshness that just can’t be replaced with chemical preservatives.

So yeah, my kids are free-range, cage-free, pesticide-free, and all around organic. I’m not saying that makes me a better parent. But not doing what’s obviously best for them would make me a worse parent, wouldn’t it?