We’re not ashamed to say that there are many vaccines we haven’t given our child. Here’s why…

Pertussis, also known as “whooping cough”, is a bacterial disease that can permanently injure or kill a child. Despite the pertussis epidemic currently sweeping California, we didn’t vaccinate our son against pertussis, because he’s only one month old. And you can’t vaccinate a child against pertussis until he is like two months old. Of course we will when he’s old enough. We’re not morons.

Yellow fever is a viral disease that’s common in Africa and parts of South America. It’s pretty much non-existent in the U.S., so it would be kinda silly to vaccinate our son against it now. No one does that. But if we’re ever going to be visiting those parts of the world, of course we’ll vaccinate him against Yellow fever. We’re not drooling idiots with no regard for the welfare of our child.

Ebola Zaire has one of the highest mortality rates of any disease people get. There’s currently a flare up of the disease in some parts of Africa. There have been a couple of Americans that have had it, but it’s so difficult for Ebola to be transmitted from person to person that there’s not really much risk of a major outbreak in the U.S.. That said, it’s a scary disease. We haven’t vaccinated our son against Ebola Zaire because a vaccine for it doesn’t exist yet. If the disease became more common where we live and researchers developed a safe and effective vaccine, of course we would give it to our child. We’re not completely braindead troglodytes with no understanding of modern medical safety standards.

Ebola is not a fun way to go.

Ebola Reston is a variant of the Ebola virus that first appeared in the United States, in Virginia. Ebola Reston is just as lethal as Ebola Zaire, but gave Americans a bigger scare when the first outbreak of it appeared so close to our nation’s capital. We’re not vaccinating our son against Ebola Reston because the disease is non-pathogenic to humans. It only affects monkeys, and our son, despite his behavior, is not technically a monkey. If it were hazardous to humans, we would have to be as dumb as monkeys not to consider giving our child every resource available to avoid contracting the disease.

Andromeda Strain is a crystalline agent that causes instant death from coagulation and deterioration of one’s circulatory system. In its most recently discovered forms, it has been harmless, but it evolves so quickly that it could easily become fatal again. We chose not to vaccinate our son against the Andromeda Strain because it’s a fictional disease, so it’s very unlikely that he would contract it. Even if it were real, his incessant crying would likely raise the level of CO2 in his blood sufficiently to make it inhospitable for the agent to take hold. However, if it were a real pathogen, and it were common in the U.S., and there were a vaccine for it, of course we would vaccinate our child. We’re not monsters.

Calculus isn’t actually a disease, but many people like to pretend it’s just as unpleasant. We’re not going to vaccinate our son against advanced mathematics, because it’s actually pretty useful. We’d love it if our son learned calculus. But if it were a terrible disease, I guess we’d vaccinate our son against that, too. Only a moron would risk their child contracting a known, debilitating illness against unsubstantiated rumors of statistically insignificant side effects of vaccines that have been given to large populations for many years.

Experts agree. It’s best for your child to breastfeed exclusively for the first six months. But what if you can’t breastfeed because of latching problems or lack of supply? And when the six months are up, what are the best “foods” to start your child on? New research is pointing to some surprising answers: Go-Gurt and Hot Pockets.

“It’s never too early to get your child used to the foods they’ll be subsisting on in their 20s.”, says pediatrician Raleigh Wiles. “Some parents prefer to feed their children real food like fruits and vegetables. But that won’t be adequate to prepare them for the kinds of ‘science foods’ they’ll have to eat when they fail to get a job after college.”

Fruits encourage unrealistic expectations.

Choosing the right Go-Gurt and Hot Pockets can be tricky. Go-Gurt and its British equivalent, known as “Frubes”, are now made with sugar, rather than the high-fructose corn syrup your growing child needs. So if you can find expired packages from before 2012 on the shelf at BigLots, that would be preferable. Don’t worry about the potential pathogens that may be present in expired foods. By giving your child’s immune system something to do, you’ll be helping them avoid having auto-immune disorders such as food allergies.

As for Hot Pockets, avoid Lean Pockets and Croissant Pockets. “The taste of Lean Pockets will confuse your child into eating cardboard,” says Dr. Wiles. Croissant Pockets, on the other hand, will give your child unrealistic expectations about their future standard of living.

Dr. Wiles does caution parents not to burn their child by giving them Hot Pockets that have been microwaved. Rather, it’s best to bring the pocket to room temperature slowly using a sous vide cooking method. Then cut a corner of the pocket and squirt it onto your wrist to verify it is a safe temperature.

There’s nothing more satisfying than judging others for what they name their kids. But naming a baby is hard. Just so that you don’t think we chose our baby’s name out of laziness, let me go through some of the runner ups, and tell you about some of the other cromulent options that we didn’t choose. If you yourself are expecting, feel free to use these names for your own children.

Zardoz - First impressions matter. And what makes a better first impression than 1970s era Sean Connery in a Speedo? And Zardoz isn’t a mouthful like Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez.

Quesarito - If you want your child to grow up to be a billionaire entrepreneur, why not name them after the pinnacle of 21st century innovation, Taco Bell’s new burrito wrapped in a quesadilla. And it isn’t a mouthful like Doritos Locos Taco, Regular, Nacho.

IG-88 - Sure, it’s trendy to name kids after your favorite Star Wars character, especially obscure bounty hunters. IG-88 is a great role model: tall, dark, and quiet. IG-88 was in the top running until his controversial tweets about #thinspo.

Bacon - The philosopher Francis Bacon is credited with inventing empiricism. In fact, the scientific method is also known as “the Baconian Method”. This would be a perfect name is hipsters hadn’t turned their lust for a particularly tasty meat into a trendy fad.

He also had impeccable taste in hats.

Zener Diode - According to Wikipedia, “A Zener diode is a diode which allows current to flow in the forward direction in the same manner as an ideal diode, but also permits it to flow in the reverse direction when the voltage is above a certain value known as the breakdown voltage, “Zener knee voltage”, “Zener voltage”, “avalanche point”, or “peak inverse voltage”.” Just the qualities you want to instill in your child as they grow up. But since our kid is at high risk for becoming an engineer, this would have been too confusing in the lab at work.

e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338-b480810061b1 - A unique name for your precious snowflake. You know there isn’t going to be another e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338-b480810061b1 in little e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338-b480810061b1’s kindergarten class. If that’s a little long, you can always call him e9ab2823-cd25-4a41-b338 for short.

Princess Fluffypetal - I know, it’s a stereotypical masculine name. But Princess Fluffypetal isn’t just a boy’s name. Just because you name your daughter this doesn’t mean she’s going to end up as a butch football player.

Rover - Let everyone know what a team player your kid is by naming them after man’s best friend. Don’t worry, no one will think your kid is a dog when they hear you yelling at them to sit over and over.